Daily Muse - The Nutcase

My boyfriend and I have been arguing the last few days. I have been sick in bed barking orders through a mouth full of rice pudding Jabba the Hut stylee, 'run the bath, get me fennel tea, you should have called me on the way back from getting me the paper in case I wanted something else. God you're selfish. Wait ,don't go upstairs. I'm lonely! Jonathan I said I love you come back! Wait. Do you know how to make chicken soup? Ok I'll wait for it in bed then. Make sure no bones, ok baba?'

I have sometimes wondered what it would be like if I weren't an assertive - sorry menacingly hostile - young woman. Who would I look to as a role model? A woman who tells it like it is. Liza Minelli? Maya Angelou? Emmeline Pankhurst? Or Peggy Lee with her rally cry for the not so meek, W-O-M-A-N:

I can rub & scrub this old house til it's shinin like a dime
Feed the baby, grease the car, & powder my face at the same time
Get all dressed up, go out and swing til 4 a.m. and then
Lay down at 5, jump up at 6, and start all over again
'Cause I'm a woman! W-O-M-A-N, I'll say it again.

How do you go from being a girl who quietly puts up with a sexist boss or being in love with a flirting cad to become a boner-fide ballbreaker? And then I came across the following on the BBC website ( I kind of wish I wasn't eating rice pudding at the time). To set the record, I think this woman is sick and twisted and Pol Pot incarnate in Punky Brewster's body. But she's a potentially useful muse for the most submissive of us ladies. She's the ultimate hardcore chick, from concentrate. Mix one part Amanda Monti with 9 trillion parts water and you've got yourself a W-O-M-A-N. Anyway we neededed a new Lorena Bobbit, ever since she moved to Russia and changed her name to Ivana Kutchokokoff (geddit?). Plus after reading this I have been much nicer to the boyfriend although he's not amused with my belting out the following from my sickbed:


I can rub & scrub this old house til it's shinin like a dime
Feed the baby, grease the car, powder my face and bite off your nuts at the same time..Cause I'm A ...




Woman jailed for testicle attack

A woman who ripped off her ex-boyfriend's testicle with her bare hands has been sent to prison.

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at the end of a house party, Liverpool Crown Court heard.

She pulled off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out. A friend handed it back to Mr Jones saying: "That's yours."

Monti admitted wounding and was jailed for two-and-a-half years.
...W-O-M-A-N! BLEEUUURRGGGGGGH!